The War

It’s been about two weeks since I last blogged. I have still been writing, all the time, but I haven’t had the confidence to post anything. Sometimes I go through phases of devastation and severe anxiety, but I always come out the other end. I’ve written a poem which is very dark but has helped me to explore these feelings and I’d like to share it here.

It took a lot of arguing with myself to post this and I hope that by owning up to some of what I face, I can support others to feel comfortable enough to do the same and together we can erase the taboo surrounding mental illness. 

*

The War

*

Dawn creeps up me.

Eyes open. Thoughts race.

Like crossing a busy road,

They flash across my mind,

Obscuring reason.

*

“You are worthless; better off

Dead” the thoughts scream,

Coming from nowhere – yet from inside.

Like lightening they strike me,

They pierce me like a sword.

*

Every day is a battle

In the war against myself,

Something inside seeks to sabotage

Every day functions. The dread

Is the worst part.

*

Nesting in a hole deep within

My gut Anxiety lives, breeding

Sickening dread. Dread at the

Prospect of petty practices, 

Dread which infects my abilities.

*

It crawls from its nest, exterminating

The growth of budding optimism. 

It eats at me from within, gnawing

And decaying my confidence

And very personhood.

*

Against this crawling existence

I must battle every day. 

Each flashing thought, each 

crawling motion, must be combated,

If I am to function.

*

Eyes open every morning. 

Thoughts race, dread crawls, 

Often winning the bloody battle

And breaking me.

But the war is not over yet.

*

Image: http://armedwithvisions.com/tag/butterfly-effect/

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “The War”

  1. Stephanie,I read your latest blog,and was quite impressed, you are bringing out your fears ,and anxieties, ,.It takes a lot of confidence, to do what you do, and the difference in you has been remarkable,You are a beautiful young woman and well loved by everyone ,you cover everything that’s haunting you ,,,ime so proud of you Stephanie ,,,xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is really brave of you to post and I’m sorry you haven’t felt up to blog recently. But this poem is wonderful, its so honest and true to you! You should be really proud of yourself! I only have minor anxiety but I can still relate to this! Keep up the great post, you have a wonderful voice! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s