It’s been about two weeks since I last blogged. I have still been writing, all the time, but I haven’t had the confidence to post anything. Sometimes I go through phases of devastation and severe anxiety, but I always come out the other end. I’ve written a poem which is very dark but has helped me to explore these feelings and I’d like to share it here.
It took a lot of arguing with myself to post this and I hope that by owning up to some of what I face, I can support others to feel comfortable enough to do the same and together we can erase the taboo surrounding mental illness.
Dawn creeps up me.
Eyes open. Thoughts race.
Like crossing a busy road,
They flash across my mind,
“You are worthless; better off
Dead” the thoughts scream,
Coming from nowhere – yet from inside.
Like lightening they strike me,
They pierce me like a sword.
Every day is a battle
In the war against myself,
Something inside seeks to sabotage
Every day functions. The dread
Is the worst part.
Nesting in a hole deep within
My gut Anxiety lives, breeding
Sickening dread. Dread at the
Prospect of petty practices,
Dread which infects my abilities.
It crawls from its nest, exterminating
The growth of budding optimism.
It eats at me from within, gnawing
And decaying my confidence
And very personhood.
Against this crawling existence
I must battle every day.
Each flashing thought, each
crawling motion, must be combated,
If I am to function.
Eyes open every morning.
Thoughts race, dread crawls,
Often winning the bloody battle
And breaking me.
But the war is not over yet.